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Noncustodial mother has been falsely accused of abuse and molestation

Your Question:
I am currently in a MOD Suit. I am the non-custodial parent of a wonderful three year old boy. At the time of divorce the decision was mutual for the father to be the custodial parent, but after my continued establishment in life the father has become less flexible with the decree. I am dealing with a father who has accused me of sexual abuse in the past and is currently accusing me of physically abusing my son. The father will not speak to me direcly, even during exchange, and has ordered me to contact him only through his new wife. The father has also had our son calling the stepmom "mommy" and myself by my first name ever since she came into our lives, stating to me that our son chose to call her mommy, however, keep in mind our son was only two years old at the time. I have an overwhelming fear that the father is trying to alienate me from our son's life. I have already undergone a Social Study and am awaiting the results. I brought the suit against the father and feel the modification is needed for the best interest of our child. Are there any resources out there that give support to those noncustodial parents who are accused of such horrible things such as child physical and sexual abuse? Thank you.

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My Answer:

Thank you for your contact, but I'm sorry it's for the reasons you outlined.

If you've been falsely accused of molestation and abuse, you're in the biggest nightmare a parent can imagine. I strongly suggest you read a book called Elusive Innocence by Dean Tong. There's a link to it on my Recommended Resources page. This book can help be your roadmap to fighting the allegations.

In terms of the bigger picture-- if what you're saying is true and the father is trying to alienate your son from you-- there's a very important book called Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak. It's also listed on that Resources page.

By spending $25 or so on those two books, you will have a much better understanding of the forces that you're facing, along with tactics on how to best fight them. That may be the best $25 you spend during this difficult time in your life.

Unfortunately, one of your early decisions to allow the father to be the custodial parent has exploded into this tragedy that you describe. We can't undo that early decision, but the consequence is a major uphill battle for you, as you've probably realized.

For support, I suggest a website called SPARC at It's designed for noncustodial parents (mothers and fathers alike), though there are plenty of custodial parents there too. The available resources are excellent, and the discussion boards are filled with empathetic voices.

If so inclined, you should be able to do a web search for a divorce support group in your area, often held at temples or churches.

There is one common trait that all people in your kind of situation possess, at least for those who remain an involved parent as best they can. They don't give up. Keep doing what you have to do -- be it litigation, counseling, self-improvement, midnight sobbing, prayer -- to keep going.

Best wishes for you,

This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.

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